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admired & afar,
his beauty became a childlike caricature
of his defiantly devious demeanour.

euphoric ecstasy found its feathers, flying him
'til gravity grounded gushes of his history on my helpless hips,
his insanity insistent on injecting juvenile judgments into my kingdom,
killing love & leaving lust,
as malleable memories manoeuvre my mind
near never-ending nausea.

oh, other-worldly oppression,
please place me at peace!

a qualm quickens the riot rising in the rosebud refuge of my ribcage,
sand spreading through the time-glass
(my time-glass)
underneath the vile vagrant with wicked wings,
wanting water in xerarch.

yes, i yowl, yes
zeus.
this wandered into my head fully formed on boxing day, minus x-z (which were done today), & i haven't edited what poured from my mind (mostly because i don't know where to start), so please excuse its roughness. i think i can work with what i came up with (this), but there are many holes & i'm not sure how i'm going to polish it up. suggestions are welcome.
:bulletblue: does this even make sense to you? it does to me but obviously it would...

don't take a god's name in vain.
sorry, zeus.


EDIT: changed line breaks. yay/nay?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconlegolaspanther:
I really had to put some thought into yours. First: Your originality is definitely seen in there, and the technique with the alliterative language is amazing! On top of that, the alphabetical pattern is awesome!

There are still a couple of things to work on though. Such as where periods and commas need to be removed or placed. Since I can't express all of it here, I'll explain in the comment.

As for vision and impact, I didn't get too much of both. Since the poem is rather fast, it seemed hard to attain them both while reading it.

~Legolas
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

:icontales-of-tao:
Yay. Definitely yay. Or yea. Take your pick of century. ;)

I'll start by answering your question: yes, this definitely made sense to me. I have a split vision on it, however: depending on the occasion I read it, this piece is either a purely mythological reenactment, or a very clever analogy/allusion. Generally, I prefer the latter, but you are brilliant regardless.

First, the admirable amount of alliteration (hur hur) in this piece simply staggers me. I mean, I've always been a sucker for alliteration, but it's quite possible to misuse--or misuse and overuse it, unfortunately. This piece practically applies it to every line, and then some...but I am never wearied of it. On the contrary, it adds to the intensity of the theme and narrative voice. Massive kudos.

Also, your portrayal of "Zeus" (again, I add the quotes totally because of the double takes I have on this) is ingenious. I might just be an avid Greek mythology geek, but I had his identity figured by the middle of the second stanza, and was delighted by the final stanza that reinforced my suspicions while, at the same time, gave a definitive statement of the narrator's overall feelings towards the...situation.

But really, what I love most about this piece is the fact that it can be taken either literally or figuratively. It is entirely possible that you wrote it aiming only for an allusion to Greek texts, but the allowance for either gives it a fluidity of sorts. I honestly love this particular work of yours more every time I read it. Cheers!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:icontheemptychest:
TheEmptyChest Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2014
Alliteration alert! As soon as I saw it, I knew I was going to love this. I'm a sucker for alliteration. :D And your use of it is worthy of note. Like the rhyming in your other poem I read, it manages to be subtle yet evident, and it totally works. It accentuates the piece but doesn't overwhelm it, and it doesn't feel forced -- as though you're shouting, "Look at me! Look at me! I can do alliteration!" -- it feels natural. Beautiful poem!  
Reply
:iconsetmyworldintomotion:
thank you very much for the wonderful comment! glad you appreciated it. :) means a lot coming from a wonderful writer such as yourself.
Reply
:iconlittleblueraccoon:
littleblueraccoon Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014  Student Writer
This is brilliant!
Reply
:iconsetmyworldintomotion:
thanks very much! :)
Reply
:iconintroverted-ghost:
introverted-ghost Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2014   Writer
Your use of alliteration is admirable. A lovely piece.
Reply
:iconsetmyworldintomotion:
thank you very much. :heart:
Reply
:iconintroverted-ghost:
introverted-ghost Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2014   Writer
My pleasure. :heart:
Reply
:iconianderickson:
ianderickson Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Love you use of alliteration like ," defiantly devious demeanour".  Another great piece by a great person! :D (Big Grin) 
Reply
:iconsetmyworldintomotion:
setmyworldintomotion Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2014
thank you very much. :) the whole poem is alliteration from a-z, or it's supposed to be, at least.
Reply
:iconrufusmisser:
RufusMisser Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
yay its amazing!!!Clapping Pony Icon - Princess Luna Clapping Pony Icon - Twilight Sparkle 
Reply
:iconsetmyworldintomotion:
thank you! :aww:
Reply
:icontuiskulumi:
tuiskulumi Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, perfect level of alliteration. I love the roughness of this poem, because its true to form. That's a nicely done work and thank you for sharing with us! 
Reply
:iconsetmyworldintomotion:
thank you very much for the positive feedback! glad you like it. :) :heart:
Reply
:icontuiskulumi:
tuiskulumi Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I do and thank you again for sharing it! :D
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
really interesting concept. it has a good flow and it doesn't feel too forced.

there could be more clarity in it (you did say it is unedited so there's good reason there) and maybe a tad more feeling (seemed more of a focus on technique for my tastes) but I think it was a great challenge to read.

definitely would be a good prompt for those with writer's block.
Reply
:iconsetmyworldintomotion:
thank you for the feedback.
editing seemed rather overwhelming to me & i had no idea where to start, haha. however, you're right & i should really fix it up. :hmm:
thanks, again. :heart:
Reply
:iconfelka-wolf:
Felka-wolf Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
this is simply stunning. im amazed.
Reply
:iconsetmyworldintomotion:
thank you very much, & for the favourite. :heart:
Reply
:iconnawkaman:
nawkaman Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2014
I am in awe of the concept and I really enjoy the concept of this.

One small bit of critique: I think the line breaks would be better served to ignore the transition from letter to letter. You end up with some choppiness, and I think the alphabetical/alliterative effect would be just as (if not more) powerful with more flow-conscious breaks.
Reply
:iconsetmyworldintomotion:
thank you for the feedback, favourite, & kind words! i'm actually rather relieved that you highlighted the issue of line breaks as it was something i was very uncertain about. they are my biggest downfall, & something i thought would be avoided if i emphasised the move from each letter. thank you; i shall work on it. :)
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:iconnawkaman:
nawkaman Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2014
I say yay.

I think the breaks are much better now!
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:iconsetmyworldintomotion:
thank you! :)
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:iconnawkaman:
nawkaman Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2014
haha, that second concept was supposed to be "content."  :shame:
Reply
:iconrufusmisser:
RufusMisser Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply
:iconsetmyworldintomotion:
setmyworldintomotion Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2014
thank you! :heart:
Reply
:iconimaginative-lioness:
imaginative-lioness Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:wow: x10000000000000

Girl, you have some serious writing talent. You are just, wow. And this piece, as well as the one I read previously, has left me even more amazed. This is an incredible and original concept. I think I may have only seen one other piece like this on deviantART (kind of), but yours surpasses it by a million. 

I cannot believe that this came to you almost fully formed! The alliteration is simply astounding - I love alliteration. It is one of my favourite things poets can do, so this piece made me smile! :D

I disagree with one thing that the person above said in their critique on your piece. They only gave you a three and half stars for impact, but I have to say that this piece has a lot of impact. The alliteration really helps here, I think. :heart:
Reply
:iconsetmyworldintomotion:
setmyworldintomotion Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2014
you're amazing.
thank you very much. i'm glad it made you smile. :aww:
isn't it strange how some things can just walk into your mind whilst you have to bleed your mind out for another? i got lucky with this piece, but polishing it up is another story altogether. thank you for your kind words on it. :heart:
Reply
:iconderiveanemone:
DeriveAnemone Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
A unique concept that has been executed brilliantly! Clap 
Reply
:iconsetmyworldintomotion:
setmyworldintomotion Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2014
thank you very much for the lovely comment & the favourite. :heart:
welcome to dA! :hug:
Reply
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